So Really Good Talk
by Handful of Barbie
Summary: Alternate ending to 5.16 "So... Good Talk" that might have prevented future heartache.


**Author Note:** This is my first fan fiction piece. It is basically an alternate ending to 5.16, "So... Good Talk".

The first two sections are sort of recaps 5.14, 5.15, and 5.16 first from Luke's perspective, then from Lorelai's. The third section goes off-canon.

OOOOO

 **So... Really Good Talk**

"What the HELL, Luke?!"

This was not the response he was hoping for.

Luke rarely acted impulsively, but when it came to Lorelai he seemed to be incapable of acting at all unless it was on impulse. For the last month, he didn't act at all. Well, there was that one time that he jumped in his truck and drove to her house just to yell at her, but that wasn't so much an impulse as it was an explosion of emotion that had built up from days of disappointment. Other than that outburst, he'd been ignoring the problem. Trying to think. Trying not to think. Hoping a way out of the situation would suddenly appear out of thin air. Hoping for… he didn't really know what he was hoping for other than for the pain to stop. And to see her. He wanted so much to see her.

The situation wasn't really a situation at all. There was no real _problem_ to solve. There was just the ever-present nagging feeling that Lorelai could not be happy with him, not forever. That he would never be good enough, smart enough, fun enough... _enough_ for her. It was that same nagging feeling that had for so long kept him from imagining a life with her. For years he had ignored the strong attraction he felt toward her and the pangs of jealousy he felt whenever he saw the signs that she was dating someone. A couple of years ago he had resigned himself to accept the close friendship they shared as a consolation-it was satisfying and fulfilling on its own and he was grateful for it. He was happy with knowing that he would always be 'in her life'. Until that day about seven months ago when he decided to take a chance and reach for more.

But now he didn't even have that friendship. He didn't even get to see her every day. Or any day.

And it was his fault.

He had let the nagging feeling take over until he couldn't see or hear her anymore. He was so far in his own head that he couldn't think about her or about what was happening to their relationship. He didn't realize that by not taking action, by not saying anything, he was killing it. She tried to tell him, but he couldn't hear her. Relationships need attention and work. They need to be fed and nurtured. If you neglect them, they die.

But he didn't realize it was dying until he heard her say "... _ex_ -boyfriend…". Then it all clicked. The pink and blue ribbons, the bowls and plates of junk food on her bed, her tear-stained face, the desperate phone call… She was wallowing. She was in mourning. It was over. _They_ were over.

When did she break up with him? He thought back to the day before in the market. She had asked what he was thinking and he had told her. He had told her that he thought he couldn't be in the relationship. Did she think he meant that he wanted to break up? _Is_ that what he meant? He was just answering her question. He didn't think it through. He didn't think about the consequences of those words. He just didn't think. And then he went back to ignoring the situation, oblivious that he had just ended their relationship. The deed was done and it was almost two days before he knew it.

Now he didn't know how to turn it around.

Of course she avoided him. Each day he let himself hope that she would come into the diner, but he knew that she wouldn't.

He felt helpless. He trudged on, day after day, pretending that nothing was wrong, nothing was missing.

A couple of weeks after 'the breakup' he finally started to see her through the diner's windows, walking around town. She wore make-up. She dressed colorfully. She talked to people. She seemed to be over it. He heard customers whisper that she was spending her mornings at Weston's. Well good for her. He really did want her to be okay. And if she was okay, then maybe he was right that she would be happier with someone else. Someone like Christopher. Someone her parents would approve of. Someone who was comfortable drinking martinis and playing golf at country clubs.

But _he_ wasn't okay. The fogginess in his head was gone, leaving behind the very thing he'd been so afraid of all those years: heartbreak. He was numb. He didn't know what to think, what to do. He was stuck.

And then there was the boat. That stupid boat. She hadn't asked him to get it out of her garage, but it must have been an annoyance for her. If he moved the boat, he could force himself to deal with the situation or to at least accept this new Lorelai-less reality. Maybe that was for the best. Moving the boat was at least doing _something_. So he did it. He waited until he knew she'd left for work, then he drove over, hitched the thing to his truck, and carefully removed it from her garage. He was a block away before he realized that he had done all of this without a plan. He had no place lined up to store it. So in front of the diner it sat.

That was about two weeks ago, the day that Lulu brought Bradley into the diner. Apparently, they expected him to help build the sets for the school play. Lorelai had signed him up, probably knowing she could to talk him into it. And she would be there to make the costumes. Suddenly a tiny ember of hope started to glow.

She would be there. He didn't know what he would say to her. He didn't know what he even wanted anymore. But he knew he didn't like the way things were now and being in the same room was a start.

But she wasn't there. Every day he went to the school to supervise kids who didn't know a screwdriver from a roll of tape and she wasn't there. And every day he grew more anxious. Each time Crazy Carrie pinched his ass he grew more upset. Lulu kept promising she'd be there, but she wasn't there. Why wasn't Lorelai there?

His anxiety grew until one of the little girls tripped on her dress and he saw his opening-an excuse to go see her. This is one of those times when he acted impulsively and it backfired. Instead of finding a way to return to some normalcy, he just made everything worse. He yelled at her. He yelled at her and belittled her and hurt her, reminding her that she lived alone, that she _was_ _alone_. He yelled at her. He mocked her. He drove her away.

He wasn't sure what he had expected to happen when he went over there. Maybe he was expecting the confident, carefree woman he'd seen walking around town. But the woman who faced him was struggling to dig herself out of depression. He could tell that she was hiding pain. Pain that he had caused. Pain that he continued to cause. He just couldn't seem to stop hurting her.

Standing near her in the wings of the theater that night was torture. She seemed to want to talk to him. He knew he wanted to talk to her. But he didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to set it right. He didn't want to make it worse. Again.

So he just stood there, sneaking glances at her in between his tasks. Tevye and Golde contemplated what it means to love someone and he turned their conversation inward. _Do I love her?_

 _Yes, of course I do. What else could explain this feeling?_

He sighed. He sighed because he knew that he loved her, but it didn't change anything.

He needed to _do_ something. Anything. So he'd talk to her. But when he turned toward her, hoping that he'd know what to say, the kids ran between them and the moment was gone. And he didn't know how to get it back. He was a confused coward.

The week following the play, Luke hated the world and everyone in it. He went about life, waiting on customers, cooking, and cleaning, but he resented every task. He couldn't concentrate, couldn't think about anything beyond his own misery, so he mixed up orders, burned food, and was so rude to customers that it should be surprising his business survived. Time did not seem to make things better, either. It wasn't until Emily paid a surprise visit that he had a coherent thought about what to do.

He was going through the day's receipts when the ringing of the door's bells made his stomach flutter. There were only two people who would dare to enter the diner after 'closed' sign was flipped and one of them (Kirk) was already there, lingering at the counter, savoring a char-flavored mystery meal. Luke's hope that Lorelai had walked in immediately dissolved and was replaced with a confused anger when he heard Emily's voice behind him.

He didn't turn around. He simply told her he was busy and hoped she'd go away. She was the last person he wanted to see. But she spoke anyway and what she had to say made him think.

 _Lorelai really isn't speaking to her mother?_ He didn't honestly think that Lorelai could cut her parents out of her life, but the fact that she was trying to, even without him in her life… that was significant.

"She wants _you_ , Luke."

That's what Emily said. _She wants you._

Could she really be happy? Could she really live in Stars Hollow for the rest of her life, with him? Could he really be enough for her? Maybe he could let her decide.

Emily said that she would stay out of it. She wouldn't interfere anymore. Richard and Emily would probably never like him, never approve of the match, but if they just left Luke and Lorelai alone…

It was as much of a blessing as he was likely to get from the Gilmores and it had to be enough.

So he left the diner on foot, walking quickly to Lorelai's house, still not knowing what he would say or do when he got there. He didn't even know if she would be there or if she would be alone. He'd seen Rory in town, so he assumed she was home on spring break. Or Lorelai might have a date.

 _Please, God, don't let her be dating. If she has already moved on…_

But when he was in sight of the house he could see that the jeep was the only car in the driveway and the soft glow of the television through the front windows told him that she was probably having a movie night. As he approached the porch he could hear Judy Garland. Up the steps he went and his hand knocked loudly on the door, seemingly of its own volition.

He didn't know what he would say when she opened the door. He struggled with his thoughts in those few seconds. Then the door was open and Lorelai stood in front of him with a puzzled and surprised look on her face and he still didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. Instead, he took two big steps forward to close the distance between them and wrapped her in a bear hug, kissing her with the passion of a month's worth of missing her. At first she seemed to melt into his arms, but then he felt her stiffen. He felt her place her hands flat on his chest and shove him hard. He let go and backed up, putting a foot or two of space between them.

"What the HELL, Luke?!"

OOOOO

 _No!_ Lorelai thought as she watched him walk out the back door of Doose's. _What the hell did I do? Why did I push him?_

She stood in the aisle, stunned, unable to comprehend how it could have ended this way. _Luke!_ Luke didn't want her anymore. Her Luke. The Luke who was 'all in'.

And it was her fault.

She had lied to him and she had let her guard down with her mother. She should have known that her mother would do whatever she could to sabotage her relationship with Luke. She should have listened to Rory about Christopher. She should have been a better girlfriend.

 _Luke is gone. He could have been 'the one' and now he's gone._

Lorelai had always been a bit stingy with her heart. She lived in constant fear of her life unraveling-something that absolutely could not happen because she had responsibilities, damn it. She had Rory to think about. Maybe that's why she denied herself a more-than-friends relationship with Luke for so long. It was too risky. She needed him, and if they tried a romantic relationship and it failed, her life just might unravel. It was only after Rory left for college that she really allowed herself to think of Luke in that way. And when it seemed that he wanted it, too, she didn't hesitate. She gave him everything. Her whole heart. She'd never really given her whole heart to anyone. That's why she fell apart when it ended.

She had allowed herself to believe that she had found it-the whole package. She allowed herself to believe that she might get married one day and not to someone that she had settled for, but to someone she really loved. Someone who loved her for more than her pretty face and sunny disposition. Someone who _got_ her and still wanted her.

And it was gone, just like that. It just walked out the door of Doose's and took her heart with it.

She felt like she was swimming in molasses. She forced herself to reach out and open the door that Luke had just gone through. She dragged herself over the threshold and out onto the sidewalk. She looked toward the diner and saw that Luke was already almost to its door. She watched as he disappeared into the diner, then stood looking at the corner as if she expected him to jump back out and holler "April Fools!". But he didn't.

When she started to feel the tears welling up, she forced herself to head for home before the torrent hit. She walked as quickly as she could, keeping her head down and her breathing steady.

 _Just a couple more blocks. Just hold out a couple more blocks. When you get home you can let it all out._

By the time she reached her porch her face was drenched, but she had managed to avoid sobbing until she got into the house. She collapsed in the entryway, doubled-over with a pain in her chest that was so sharp she actually wondered for a fleeting second if she should call an ambulance. And the tears flowed.

She couldn't think. She just cried. And cried. Her brain felt like mud. She forgot about the errand she had left to run. She forgot about the little girls and their doll breakfast. She forgot that she had an inn to run. They would have to do without her because she couldn't. She just couldn't. Twenty minutes went by before the pain in her chest subsided and she was able to stand up.

She made her way upstairs to her bedroom and crawled onto her bed. She curled into a ball and wept some more.

That's where Sookie found Lorelai twenty hours later. Her eyes were puffy and vacant. When Sookie asked her what was wrong, Lorelai could only speak through sobs. Sookie could make out "Luke", but not much else. This wasn't the friend she knew. Lorelai was always in control and responsible. The Lorelai she knew could handle almost any crisis like a pro. She didn't fall apart like this.

"Lorelai, honey, have you slept at all?"

"Some."

"Have you eaten?" Sookie asked.

"I'm not hungry. I'm fine. I'll be fine," Lorelai replied.

Sookie didn't know what to do. Should she call Luke? No, Luke was the problem. When it occurred to her to call Rory, she did so from the downstairs phone. She also called the inn to let Michel know that Lorelai would not be solving any inn problems anytime soon and he would have to improvise. Then she went back upstairs and managed to get Lorelai to change her clothes before getting back into bed, this time under the covers.

Rory was just what Lorelai needed. By the time Rory left that evening, Lorelai had slept a few hours, had eaten a little bit of cereal, and even managed a smile at Frank, Logan's driver, when he brought the TV up to her bedroom. But she was far from okay. She ached for Luke. _Ached_ for him. The usual distractions did nothing. She couldn't watch TV or read. She couldn't think about anything but Luke. And she was exhausted.

"Please come over."

She sat in bed, surrounded by junk food she had no desire to eat, phone in hand, begging Luke's answering machine the way that Katie begged Hubbell in _The Way We Were_. She had fought to keep her composure and lost.

"Please come over. Please… come..."

 _Oh my god… What the hell am I doing?_

Lorelai barely recognized herself. Embarrassed and desperate to redeem herself-perhaps even more desperate than she was to see Luke, she ran out the door to Luke's hoping to erase the message before he could hear it. Thank goodness his apartment was empty and she was able to steal the tape from his answering machine.

She breathed a sigh of relief and even felt a little better after a walk in the cold night air until she arrived home to see Luke coming out her front door. He had come to her rescue.

Another woman might swoon or try to manipulate Luke into staying so she could talk him into taking her back, but Lorelai was not another woman. She was humiliated. She was ashamed, because she knew that's why she had called him. She knew that if she called him, he would come and she told him as much. She apologized and explained. "I am not that girl," she said. "I am not the one who cried and falls apart and calls her… _ex_ -" choking a little "boyfriend to come and save her."

She thanked him for being there and handed him the tape she'd stolen, promising that it would be the last crazy thing he would have to endure from her.

She told him that she understood that he was out and that she was going to respect that. Then she held her head up, forced herself to walk away, went inside, cried herself to sleep, and slept well into the next day.

The first week was the hardest. She eventually got out of bed, took a long bath, and started moving around. She didn't spend much time putting on makeup or doing her hair, but she managed to make herself presentable enough to go to work. She even went to Yale to have a Friday night dinner with Rory.

At night, at home by herself, Lorelai let the sadness creep in and surround her. She walked from room to room, noting the little "Luke" touches in each. The bookshelf he built for Rory, the oven he repaired, the window he sealed, the bed he shared with her. She watched sad movies, wallowed, and cried herself to sleep. But she did sleep. Sometimes she would dream about him. In the mornings she would wake up smiling, then she would remember and suddenly feel heavy again.

During the day she forced herself to smile and talk to people. Little by little she managed to return to herself, at least on the outside. She thought that if she pretended enough that she was okay, she might actually feel okay someday.

Lorelai wanted to return to her old routine, but how could she do that when so much of that routine involved Luke? She had eaten at least one meal per day at Luke's for the past 9 years. Since they'd been dating and even in the year before, while renovating the Dragonfly, she was in there 2-3 times a day, getting coffee or pie or a meal. Sure, she could always eat at the inn, but she didn't just go to Luke's to eat or even to see Luke. Luke's is where she saw the townspeople, where she picked up the latest gossip, where she felt the most at home. Without Luke's, Lorelai felt disconnected from the whole town. She needed a new routine.

During week two she started going to Weston's in the mornings. The coffee wasn't Luke's but it wasn't bad (nobody's coffee was Luke's) and the choice of baked goods was always amazing. She thought with a painful chuckle that Luke would have a fit about the fact that she almost never had eggs or fruit for breakfast anymore, but he'd probably never know.

She was starting to feel normal again. Not happy, not even okay, but at least _functioning_. She was back to paying attention to her appearance. She cracked jokes and walked with purpose. She smiled and said hello to everyone she passed. She no longer avoided walking by the diner, although she didn't think she'd ever be able to go in again. She was looking forward to a new project: making costumes for the elementary school's play. This would keep her busy for another week, week three, so she would have less time to wallow and feel sorry for herself.

Then she saw it. Parked right in front of the diner was Luke's boat. Suddenly she felt that familiar pain in her chest, like someone had ripped her heart out. Again.

When did he take it? Why didn't he warn her? Didn't he realize it would just fuel the gossip mill? She felt exposed. She felt embarrassed. She felt angry.

As she stood staring into her dark, empty garage, she felt herself sinking again. She couldn't allow that. She couldn't be that blubbering mess again. She had to do something. She decided to makeover the garage-do something to it so that it didn't remind her of what was so recently in it. Make it into a special place just for _her_. A place, unlike her house, where she could go and NOT think about Luke. So she called in reinforcements and she and Sookie painted. Bright pink and blue. She added glitter. And a disco ball. And stencils. And decals of daisies. She thought it would help lift the sadness. It really didn't, but at least it distracted her and it didn't remind her of Luke.

And then he yelled at her. When she saw him getting out of his truck, she felt a tiny bit of hope. He started talking and it seemed like the same Ranting Luke that she loved, but it wasn't. He was yelling.

 _What did I do now? I've left him alone. It's what he wanted. How could he be mad at me?_

She knew this wasn't about the kids' costumes. He seemed to have come just to hurt her.

"What the hell am I looking at?"

"It's my new… uh… special... _alone_ space," she said, sticking her chin out defensively.

"Oh, yeah? Well you gotta a whole house of _special alone space_ ," he replied.

As if that wasn't cruel enough, he added, "So you gonna hang out in your garage now?" with a look that suggested she was pathetic. When she replayed the conversation later in her head she realized the irony that such mocking came from a man who had lived a lot of his life as a near-hermit, at least before he started dating her.

Angry, she ranted about the way he moved the boat until she could feel herself losing control. She didn't want to cry in front of Luke, so she stormed into the house and waited for him to leave.

 _How could he be so mean? Why is he so angry?_

And now that space was tainted, too.

The anger morphed into sadness. He had some some pretty mean things, but she just didn't have it in her to be angry anymore. She was tired.

 _Do you love me?_

 _Do I_ what _?_

Lorelai listened to the song as Tevye and Golde sorted out their feelings, wondering if Luke had ever loved her. Maybe he just _thought_ he wanted her all those years. Maybe the reality of Lorelai just didn't live up to the fantasy of Lorelai.

But he kept looking over at her. He seemed to want to say something to her. He seemed to be hurt, too. And the song…

As she snuck glances at him she felt tears start to form. Tevye and Golde realized that, yes, they loved each other. And she loved Luke. But it didn't matter. It didn't change anything. Did it?

Still, she wanted to say something to him. _Do you know that I love you? Does it matter?_

As he leaned toward her, she leaned toward him and opened her mouth to say… what? "I'm sorry"? "I love you"? She didn't know, but she never got the chance to say "Um" because the kids ran between them and the moment was lost. The moment was lost along with the last of her hope that the life she'd been dreaming about just a month ago would materialize.

And so Lorelai went on with her life. She went to work. She spent time with Rory. She even enjoyed a strange satisfaction from driving her mother crazy by avoiding Friday night dinners and hanging up on her. She spent her downtime in front of the TV. She didn't wallow so much anymore, but she only smiled when other people were around. When she was alone, she went through the motions of life, hoping that time would heal her.

And so a month since the day that Luke broke her heart found her sitting on her couch, watching Judy Garland sing about _The Man That Got Away_.

She heard a knock on her door. When she opened the door she was surprised to see Luke looking back at her. The next thing she knew he was embracing her, kissing her passionately.

A dozen emotions collided-relief, love, arousal, sadness, fear, anger.

Anger won out.

OOOOO

"What the HELL, Luke?!"

Luke stepped back, stunned and briefly speechless.

When he was able to talk he stammered, "I...I'm sorry… I thought…" He shook his head and moved toward the door. "I'll go."

Lorelai stepped between Luke and the doorway, then closed the door and said, "I don't understand. You dumped me a month ago, Luke. A _month_ ago. What are you doing here now?"

"I thought… Emily said…" Luke sighed, looking down. He sighed and said, "I'm really sorry. I'll leave you alone," then tried again to leave.

"I don't _want_ you to leave me alone, Luke! I want you to _talk_ to me," she yelled. Then more quietly, "Please don't leave." Her eyes widened as she suddenly realized that Luke mentioned her mother. It sounded an awful lot like what Christopher had said that awful night. "Wait, 'Emily said'? What are you talking about?"

"Your mother came to the diner tonight." He told her.

"My mother. She came to see you?"

"Yes."

"Well, what did she say?"

"It doesn't matter. She was wrong." His chin dropped to his chest dejectedly and he made another move to leave. Lorelai wouldn't have it.

"Luke, what is going on? My mother came to see you and now you're here? Because things turn out _so well_ when Emily gets involved?"

"It's not like that." he replied. "She… she said she'd leave us alone. She said you wanted me."

Lorelai was tearing up now. "I do want you." She wanted to sound confident and controlled, but it came out more as a whisper. "But, Luke… you didn't want me."

"I did. Of course I did." He was whispering now, too, but he was finally looking her in the eye.

"Then why did you dump me, Luke?" He started to answer, but she didn't give him a chance. The words just started spilling out of her before she could stop them. "I love you, Luke, and I fought for you. I fought for you and you just walked away." She didn't notice when his head snapped up at the words "I love you, Luke." She just kept talking, yelling actually. "And then you come here and kiss me and… I... I don't know what you expected... Did you expect me to just fall into your arms and forget that the last month even happened? This isn't a romance novel, Luke. This is real life! Do you realize that I couldn't get out of bed for _three days_?! _Three days_ , Luke! I'm embarrassed about that, but it's the truth…"

She quieted down a little, but kept talking. "You told me that you were 'all in'. Do you remember that? I trusted you-my _best_ friend. I let myself fall in love with you. I trusted you with my whole heart, only to have you rip it out without even trying to fix us... You weren't 'all in', Luke... but _I was_ …"

By this point she was crying softly. "I have never been so heartbroken. What were you expecting when you came here tonight?"

He was quiet for a moment, then he said, "I don't know what I expected. I don't even know how we got to this place."

"What, exactly, did my mother say to you?" Lorelai could no longer go without knowing.

"She complained that you won't take her calls or go to dinner. Then she said that you've made your choice, that you want to be with me, and that she can't fight it. She told me to go back to you and that she'd stay out of it."

"So you're here because my mother told you to take me back?" she rolled her eyes, "Great."

"No!" he bellowed. "I'm here because I love you and I don't want a life without you. I don't even know why or when we broke up in the first place! I just said that I needed time to think."

"You said that you couldn't be in this relationship," she pointed out.

"You asked me what I was thinking. That's what I was thinking right then. I didn't mean… I didn't... It doesn't matter what I meant. I know that now. You're right. I _did_ just walk away. And I regret that… so much. I… just… I didn't think we were breaking up. I didn't think." he resigned, shaking his head.

They stood in silence for a moment, not quite looking at each other.

"Do you really love me?" she said in a voice almost too quiet to hear.

"God, yes."

"Then I think we should talk and try to figure out what went wrong, don't you?" He exhaled and nodded.

She walked toward him and into him, burying her face in his shoulder while he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. They stood like that for a while before moving into the living room to sit for a serious talk.

They talked for more than two hours. They talked about Luke's fear that he wouldn't be enough for her. She reassured him that she planned to live in Stars Hollow for the rest of her life, with or without him. She talked about how she felt when he wouldn't talk to her and when Taylor tried to divide up the town. He promised to work on his 'processing speed' and she promised to try to be more patient. They agreed that they both needed to talk more, to tell each other more about their lives when they weren't together and to talk more about their feelings, their fears, their jealousies, and their dreams. They resolve to spend more time together and to work on their relationship-something these two fiercely independent people would find difficult to schedule, but easy to execute. The walls that each had carefully constructed over the years started to crumble and trust, at least between the two of them, took root.

And when they were done talking, they resumed the deep, passionate kiss that started in the foyer.

They really should have thanked Emily and Christopher. The talk they had that night strengthened their relationship in ways they would never fully recognize.

They couldn't know that, because they took the time to talk, they would feel just a little bit closer, that they would touch each other just a little more often. They even started to hold hands in public occasionally. They couldn't know that in a few week's time, Luke would feel less nervous after receiving some pessimistic words from Dean and he would think twice about buying a house without talking to Lorelai first. They couldn't know that Lorelai would talk to Luke about her desire to settle down with him instead of considering a job that could send her away for long periods of time (so like Rachel). They couldn't know that nine months later, Luke wouldn't hesitate to share his fears about being the father of a 12 year old girl or that Lorelai would be strong enough to insist that they move forward with their wedding plans and face their new problems together. They couldn't know how much more difficult those hurdles would have been if they hadn't spent those two hours just talking. But they did talk. The kisses could wait. The bed was still there after they talked.


End file.
